Dazzled

i hate writing about love but i always find myself back there anyways. it took me 3 years to write this. i never knew why i couldn’t finish it until i realized both of these loves seeped into each other unintentionally . but not in the way you might think. they were nothing like each other. but the trauma i inherited from colonialism linked the abuse and unhealthy bindings in a way i didn’t understand until now.

I don’t want to be dazzled

I FELL dazzled by his ghastly glowing gaze –
ing upon my fucking fickle frail-fragile heart, in its beating
he found sustenance and abruptly nourished himself, and in
my riches he stood, drinking up my stardust on his whimpering whim
In his frenzy! Then gone, gone with a sprint,
Adios won his fair share of races – but left more than his share of offspring;
His tracks disappearing faster than I can follow, my eyes watering
Yearned for his touch – The agony of; the trickery of men!

Clarity clouded and wisdom and lies, oh, love, drugs, sex, now
Crumble! BUT the pieces left by his duplicity were burned, now truth
Shines from the ashes, no confusion, sourly sweet avow!

Tainted love is twisted: soft whimsical words whispered
Faintly, and truth hides behind the lies he sings,
I picked myself back up with knees blistered

my MIND shook with deadly deceiving doubts, smash-
ing prospect of any fanciful fucking love affair, that could have birthed
the joys of being in love – in love – in love -IN LOVE, with who?

With a man who puts my waistline before my intellect
And the circumference of my thighs before the depths of my soul !
A man who’s definition of beauty is defined by a patriarchal society –
who would rather me stay home and take care of HIM
Instead of decolonizing my HOME
Who the fuck are you
to tell me, “stay home, I need you to be here with me”
but I paid all the bills so he made no damn sense
AS IF
my duties as an iskwew would be defiled for a love that
DEFILED ME – and tore me down to a woman with a pretty face and nice ass
Who ate too many carbs for his liking
“Who’s dreams would never come true”
“Who would never paint the ivory tower red”
those were the things he said

and still

I FELL dazzled by his pretty half blood eyes
“He’s STILL TREATY” I would protest
when people looked at me with questioning eyes
classic activist falls in love with the colonizer
But
from the beginning,
I ignored the signs
because he was a weirdo like me
But
HE was the absence of light in MY LIFE

I thank him,
Because now I know exactly what NOT TO FALL FOR
Pretty like a white boy,
won’t get you far with me
Any more
And all my dreams are coming true
And this ivory towers splashed with blood
No thanks to you

I’m not like the girls who would roll over to feel you in their insides
I don’t need the men who need me,
I need medicine from my Indigeniety
That you tried to silence,
And I hated myself for a second – BECAUSE I ACTUALLY LET YOU

No more.
bitter beauty left broken
Made me feel better than your love did

Lies
Guess we all lie cause I just told one
Your love was a wound that I kept dressed
Even though it healed
I wasn’t ready to see that it already sccared

Your love was ignited by my flames
And yours mine
The difference was,
I had a world full of forests for you
And you only had a tree for me
Can’t turn charcoal into sustenance like I can

I don’t want to be dazzled by love, I want to give birth to a revolution

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